Pam Anderson 'an unfit mother,' claims Tommy Lee (Ananova.com)
"Unlike Anderson, I have never been described crawling around on my hands and knees drunk at major functions." spouted jackass drummer Tommy Lee via his attorney. I guess they're not classifying every Motley Crüe concert ever as a "major function" these days.

Diners to be quizzed by their plates (Ananova.com)
It's being dubbed the single greatest advance for mankind since the Jump to Conclusions Mat™. Well, maybe not, but it's still a very important and newsworth invention. Okay so it's not newsworthy either...it's a frigging dinner plate with a bunch of stupid questions written on it. I didn't even know you could get a patent on something that stupid. In response to this invention, I'll soon be releasing a complimentary product: the Shut the Hell Up I'm Trying to Eat in Peace! steak knife.

Two JDL leaders charged in bomb plot (CNN.com)
Two leaders of the Jewish Defense League were arrested for planning to "send a wakeup call" to Arabs and Muslims by bombing a mosque and a U.S. Congressman's office. It's about time, I say...I've been having a hell of time getting out of bed in the morning, I could really use a wakeup call now and then.

Purrfect Ending for Colins the Stowaway Cat (Excite.com / Reuters)
A cat got out of South Korea alive...now that's what I call luck. It's a little known fact that "Colins" means appetizer in Korean. In a related story, a Tri-tip steak was seen sneaking across the Texas border into New Mexico, and two pieces of round bacon and a pint of watery beer showed up at the US Embassy in Ottawa seeking asylum.