Policeman 'fired for sending kill Arabs email' (Ananova.com)
This one got by me last month. A pig in Atlanta was kicked out of the pen because he wrote an email advocating killing Arabs, starving Afghans to death, and bombing Mecca so that Muslims would be forced to pray "at a crater". Of course, just like our friend Sen. Cooksey in Louisiana who advocated searching people with "diapers" and "fanbelts" on their heads, Officer Ray Sanford merely "lost [his] temper." After the fact Sanford explained that of course he doesn't really hate all Arabs and Muslims, just niggers and kikes.

First native American into space will take eagle feathers (Ananova.com)
Even in genocide we're impatient. In a bold new move to help kill Native Americans faster, NASA has agreed to start firing them off into space. Finally, we'll get back some of that prime reservation land they've got. Actually, I'm just kidding, we're really sending an Indian into orbit to install some slot machines on the International Space Station.

Taste of West Not So Sweet at Mall Opening (Reuters.com)
41 people contracted salmonella at at the grand opening of Slovakia's second Western-style mall. We can only hope that this event may help erase some the resentment that the 2nd and 3rd worlds hold agaist Western prosperity. It's about time that they learned what we in the west have all known for years: a trip to the mall doesn't just mean new clothes, electronics and housewares, but also explosive, violent diarreah.

Man Killed in Fight Over Bad Singing (Reuters.com)
No, Enrique Iglesias is not dead, sorry to get your hopes up. It's just some Filipino guy who got stabbed in a Manilla karaoke bar. One bad karaoke singer down, 6 billion to go.

Doomed Plane's Number Lottery Winner (Reuters.com)
Well here's a silver lining if I've ever seen one, if only planes could crash every day. While American Airlines flight 587 proved to relatively unlucky for a couple hundred people, another 27,829 have no complaints. From now on, I think I'll buy tickets for any flights I take. That way if I crash and die, at least I'll have that $16 to leave my loved ones.

City Council seat decided by cards (CNews.com)
Finally, politicians acting like adults. Instead of bickering and fighting following a 47-47 tie, two potential city councilpeople just drew cards until someone won. And to boot, it happened in conservative, infamously homo-hating Colorado. I wonder if it was a queen that broke the tie.

Man to pay damages for demolishing car in 'footpath rage' (Ananova.com)
It's good to see that rage is overcoming its dependence on fossil fuels. Road Rage and Air Rage have polluted our air and water for years and perpetuated our dependence on oil from the middle east, but the recent advent of Footpath Rage may just put an end to it all. For what it's worth, I've been doing my part to popularize Train Rage for years.

Top surgeon buys Las Vegas strip club to fund medical research (CNews.com)
I need 200ccs of tequila, STAT. Prepare the lapdance...CLEAR!
Amen to this guy for raising money for medical research despite the hazards moronic public opinion. Though a local councilwoman thinks that "some people would find it disconcerting," I defy anyone to give me a single valid reason why this isn't a great idea.

Woman Says She Befriended Hijacker Online (Reuters.com)
And people wonder why I refuse to meet people I've talked to online. Welcome to Atta Online: You've Got Death!

Operation APOLLO (dnd.ca)
— Submitted by: The Rajin' Cajun —
The Canadians are going to help America with the war on terrorism. They have pledged 2 of their biggest battle ships, 6,000 ground troops, and 6 fighter jets. However, after the American exchange rate, we ended up with 1 canoe, 2 mounties, and some flying squirrels.

White House Invites Hollywood Execs to Summit (Reuters.com)
Talk about the blind leading the stupid. Once again, Hollywood executives have been called to the White House to help "boost morale and craft the government's message" for the War on Terrorism!™. The forcast for this "brainstorming session" calls for a -4% chance of precipitation and winds up to 2 mph.

CIA recruited cat to bug Russians (Telegraph.co.uk)
It took years of research and almost $20 million to finally convinced the CIA what I could have told them for $5 and a cup of coffee: you just can't get a cat to do what you want it to do.

Robber caught downing a cold one (CNews.com)
Running from the police? No need to rush away from the scene—stop and have a brewski first. Bank robber or not, at least this guy's got his priorities in place. It just goes to show, if you don't stop and have a beer once in a while life (and the Police) might just pass you buy.

Teens boast of alleged robbery in accidental call to police (Ananova.com)
And if you're not old enough to buy beer yet, just have your ass call the police and tell them about your crime. I've got two words for these retards: Menu Star.

Noodle Shop Ordered to Scrap 'Bin Laden' Sign (Reuters.com)
The Chinese government ordered the Beijing noodle shop 'Bin Laden Beef Noodles' to change their name. I guess this means I should re-think my plans to open 'Hitler's Hoagies' in downtown Tel Aviv.

Neighbor's Wife Dies in Sex Game (Reuters.com)
Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not accidentally shoot thy neighbor's wife in the head during an adulterous sex game.

Sewer Blasts Frighten City (Reuters.com)
Fire shot out of a Chinese sewer system last week, lighting up the sky and frightening the local residents of Chuzhou. Maybe now they'll learn to leave those insane little red peppers out of the stir fry.

Who wrote the bell chime tune? (StraightDope.com)
There's really nothing particularly wacky about this article this Straight Dope classic, I just thought it was funny that the guy's name was William Crotch.

The Media Killed Bert Is Evil
One of the funniest, cleverest websites around is gone. Bert Is Evil once featured dozens of hilarious photos of Ernie's "friend" Bert in various incriminating circumstances. Then some nimrod Taliban supporter unknowingly used a picture of Osama and Bert on a poster, and now the site is gone. The author blames a Canadian TV station for the site's demise, but I can't help but think that the Evil One™ himself was behind it. You've won the battle, Bert, but not the war.

U.S. Warns Afghans of Yellow Cluster Bomblets (Reuters/CommonDream.org)
Yummy yummy yummy, you've got shrapnel in your tummy. Along with the yellow packets of food we're dropping over Afghanistan lie a plethora of coffee-can-sized yellow canisters from unexploded cluster bombs... Humanitarian Food Packet? $7 ... Cluster Bomb? $20,000 ... Blowing up a starving child who thinks he's found some food when in fact he found an unexploded American bomb? PRICELESS.