Paramount Unveils Yet Another Star Trek Prequel Series
Riding "Enterprise" Wake, New Series Will Take Place Even Earlier
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The Scott Bakula vehicle takes place approximately 200 years before Gene Roddenberry's original series, and brings back a taste adventure and excitement to an otherwise ailing television dynasty.
This week, in an attempt to ride the fad as far as it will take them, UPN has unveiled yet another prequel to the original late-1960s Trek series. This new series, tentatively titled "Ye Olde Skye Trekke" will be set on an 18th century schooner called, shockingly, Enterprise.
While other Enterprise crews battled Klingons and Romulans, the crew of the NCC-1701AD will take on hoards of space pirates while attempting to transport their precious cargo of Dilithium Negroes to the new world.
For the first time in Trek history, the captain of the Enterprise will not be a human. Instead, writers have decided on a Vulcan captain whose pointy, three-cornered sailor's cap will be made up entirely of ear.
While producers are keeping tight-lipped about specific prospects, the search for the right actor to play the new captain is said to be on. Sources told reporters that the industry buzz about this new show is so good that they may be able to woo beloved veteran of stage and screen Dustin Diamond to do the job. Whilw Mr. Diamond could not be reached for comment, his mom assured us that she'd tell him we called.
A WACKYIRAQI.COM LOCAL EXCLUSIVE:
Recession Continues to Hit San Franciscans Hard
Many Local Men Cannot Even Afford to Have Girlfriends
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Bay Area businesses continue to lay off and go bankrupt, and many men are jobless. Those that still have jobs are working for a fraction of the salary and benefits they enjoyed several months ago.
One of the most shocking results this lack of funds has reaped is the damage to these San Franciscans' social lives. Anyone from first time tourists to longtime locals can see it in the streets of the "City by the Bay" every day: men just can't afford to take a nice girl out on a date.
Every night, thousands of men can be found packed into the City's bars, with nary a female in sight. Though they put up a brave facade of happiness, most of these men have not had a girlfriend in years. Instead, they bravely keep each other company during this empty time: dancing in night clubs, working in hair salons, and massaging each other with fragrant oils.
"I have a great job and I couldn't be happier. I don't date women because I'm gay--I have a boyfriend." revealed one San Francisco man who was obviously just too shy to admit his dire financial situation.
"Are you retarded?" he continued bravely, "I have no desire whatsoever to date a woman--I don't care how much money you give me!"
The story is all too common; they don't date women because they "don't want to," but it doesn't take a genius to see right through this thin veneer. While the President and his advisors work feverishly to jump-start the economy, the men of San Francisco can only dream of a day when they will once again be able to afford a night out with a young lady.
Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill, Principal from "Head of the Class" Resign
Top Advisors Forced Out Over Sagging Economy, Ratings
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O'Neill was relatively unpopular on Capital Hill, and while his resignation was expected due to the high unemployment rate and the poor state of the U.S. economy, it is still causing quite a shakeup in the nation's capitol.
The resignation of Dr. Samuels, the corpulent principal from New York/TV's Millard Fillmore High School, has added to the shock waves, though it is also not surprising considering his retarded show was cancelled over 11 years ago.
Individual Honors Program teacher and former Cincinnati radio personality Charlie Moore said of his former boss, "I couldn't be happier to hear that fat asshole is out of work. I hope they replace him with a hyperactive Scotsman with a mullet, like he did to me."
Successors to O'Neill and Samuels have not yet been named, but the lead contenders include Secretary of Math Arvid Engen, and Deputy Director of Leather Jackets Eric Mardian.
Though she has already said she would refuse appointment to the post, also being considered is jive-talking African-American cliché T.J. Jones. Despite her gruff exterior, Jones is very qualified for the job, but is contractually obligated to continue mopping up after her drooling father.
INS Blunders Continue to Embarrass White House
Visas Issued to Known Terrorists, Murderers, Evil Geniuses
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In the month of November, the INS issued 400 visas to individuals on the FBI's Terrorism Watch List including Sept. 11 mastermind Osama bin Laden,
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While the reasoning behind bin Laden and Luthor's visas remain a mystery, Hitler was apparently issued on the request of Senator Jesse Helms (R-NC).
"Adolf is a close personal friend of mine, a great German and a deeply religious man,"
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Also on the list of accepted visas was American Dick Dastardly and his asthmatic canine life-partner Muttley. Both Dastardly and his wheezing lover are accomplished pilots with a long history of
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Perhaps the most shocking of the week was the visa issued to The Mummy, an Egyptian national known for terrorizing at least two American citizens in the mid 1950s.
When reached for comment, renowned terrorism expert and former U.S. intelligence agent Lou Costello told reporters, "Dat mummy been a bad boy."
President Warns Americans of New "Axis of Anal"
With Speech Declares: You're Either With Us Or Behind Us
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In his weekly radio address on Friday, the President named television actor Andy Dick, renowned singer Elton John, and obnoxious queen Richard Simmons in a group he dubbed the "Axis of Anal."
"It's time to look beyond Saddam, and start focusing on Sodom," Mr. Bush recited. "From our satellite photos, ground reconnaissance and some episodes of E! News Weekly that we TiVo'ed, my advisors and I believe that we have enough evidence to launch a new War on Buggerism."
Though he reminded listeners that we must not lose sight of Iraq, Iran and North Korea and the Axis of Evil, the President made it clear that our priorities should this new, more dangerous assxis.
"It is only a matter of time before these enemies bring their dastardly brand of rectal warfare to American soil," Bush warned, "In fact, they may already have agents active in major U.S. cities like San Francisco, Miami and Gaylord, Michigan."
WackyIraqi.com reporters attempted to reach Elton John at his suburban London mansion, but were turned away at the back door.
Representatives for Andy Dick and Richard Simmons could not be reached for comment. Sources told reporters that both celebrities are vacationing: Simmons is packed into his summer home in Butte, Montana, and Dick is resting comfortably in the Pacific Rim.
Americans Youths Can't Find Iraq in the Dictionary
Mid-East Nation Just Isn't Between "Eye Piece" and "Eye Shadow" for Some Reason
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This comes just hours after a study showed that 87% of 18-24 year olds, and 100% of current U.S. Presidents, cannot find Iraq on a map.
Scores of frustrated teens worked through the night, but were unable to find Eye Rack anywhere near similar terms like Eye Piece and Eye Shadow. The closest they came was "Eye Rhythm," but after hours of exhaustive research they concluded that the words were just not the same.
In addition to their difficulty finding Iraq in the dictionary, the study also showed that American teens were unable to find other common words like "korn" and "bizkit".
In their next study, scientists will attempt to see if teenagers can distinguish between pictures of their own rectums and photos of the Grand Canyon. Failure rates are expected to be staggering.
Despite Bigoted Policies, Boy Scouts Remain Really Frigging Gay
Studies Show Millions of Scouts Tend to Hate, Be Gays
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Basing their rules on "Judeo-Christian" values, the 92 year-old organization does not allow gay teens to join, nor do they allow gay adults to be scoutmasters. All this is despite the fact that they wear faggy neckerchiefs, spend weekends sleeping together in the woods, and give out queer titles like scout "masters".
Many prominent Americans, gay and straight, have been Boy Scouts and aren't shy about voicing their disenchantment with the organization.
"Of course I was a scout when I was young," revealed flaming exercise guru Richard Simmons. "I wasn't forced to quit, but it just got way too gay for me and I had to leave. Seriously ladies, take it down a notch."
Officials for the Boy Scouts declined to comment on their recent entry into the Guinness Book of World Records as "World's Biggest Homo Factory".
President Unveils New Weapon in War Against Iraq
White House Has New Ally in Fighting Saddam Hussein
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During an appearance in his home town of Crawford, Texas, Bush slowly rolled up his limousine window to reveal a decal of Calvin pissing on the word "SADDAM".
While he admits that the decal takes a firm stand on the issue of regime change in Iraq, the President assured the world that Calvin is only pissing on the Iraqi dictator, not the innocent citizens of the mid-eastern nation.
"Let me say confidently that Calvin and I are both friends of the Iraqi people," Bush stated to the press corps, "we wish them no harm, and we have absolutely no desire to piss on them. We only wish to piss on those who opress them."
According to White House officials, the decal was made in a top-secret Pentagon labratory from space-age materials. In addition to being impurvious to chemical and biological agents, Bush's "smart-pissing" Calvin has no more than a 0.04% margin for error. This laser-guided accuracy ensures that all piss is confined to SADDAM, and not subject to hitting other targets like older, antiquated carpet-pissing decals.
Secretariat Parker Gives Birth to New Colt
"Sex and the City" Star has Baby Boy, Butter Face
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The birth came just weeks after co-star Cynthia Nixon, who plays Miranda on Parker's HBO series Sex and the City, gave birth to some sort of red-headed squirrel type thing and Kim Cattrall, who plays Samantha, had a baby Giant Slut.
Rumors that the child was adopted were quickly quelled, as hospital officials noted that it has "an enormous honker" and "a really amazing body with the face of a horse" just like its mother.
Just before days before delivering her baby boy, WackyIraqi.com asked Ms. Parker how she feels about children of celebrities becoming stars themselves.
"I can only hope that my son will follow in my footsteps," she revealed, "and jump from a mediocre-at-best film career into a hit show that will drive itself into the ground after just two seasons."
The baby's father and Parker's husband, Chicago sausage magnate Abe Froman, was arrested on Wednesday on bestiality charges.
Man Busted with Drugs on Kid Rock's Tour Bus
COPS Films Four New Seasons in One Day with Rocker
| Submitted by: The Wacky Iraqi and The Commie Jew |
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Rock, a 31 year-old Detroit native whose real name is Bob Ritchie, released a statement shorltly after the incident denying any knowledge of drugs or other illegal materials aboard his bus.
The suspect, identified by police as 31 year-old Bob Ritchie of Detroit, Michigan was arrested on possession of cocaine, marijuana, heroin and Hepatitis C.
Rock's diminutive sidekick Joe-C was also detained during the incident. The dwarven rapper died over a year ago, despite a +20 Charisma and a +18 Dexterity. Rock had him taxadermied and has allegedly been using his hollowed-out body as a bong.
Police inventoried drug paraphernalia into evidence bags for hours, including several pipes, razor blades, two half-full used breast implants and a needle laced with silicon residue.
CNN to Purchase 5,000 New Computer Keyboards
New Key Added to Improve Efficiency with Bush Speeches
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The new keyboards will include a new "[sic]" key in the bottom left quadrant.
The decision to add the new key was based on the conclusion that reporters were spending hundreds of extra man-hours each week adding the Latin term to Presidential speeches and statements.
According to the study, the time spent on such modifications is up over 180% over the previous administration, though down nearly 10% from the Dan Quayle Vice Presidency.
When reached on his contribution to CNN's decision, President Bush responded, "This modificating [sic] of CNN policy is unprecidentiary [sic]. I am very proud and honorated [sic] to be a part of such a monumentual [sic] change in the way that news is reporterated [sic]."
Wacky Iraqi Wins 100% of WackyIraqi.com Vote
Wackyiraqi.com Citizens Partake in Much Rejoicing
Submitted by: The Commie Jew, WackyIraqi.com Staff Writer
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The sole registered voter, a Mr. "J. Abdul", turned out in a drove to cast the winning ballot. That single vote was enough to decide the election without any help from Jeb Bush or the Supreme Court.
In an unprecedented victory, the Wacky Iraqi was elected as his own Vice President as well as Secretary of State, King, Pope, Generalisimo and World's Greatest Grandpa.
When reached for comment, both the President and Vice President exclaimed, "This is a unique manifestation of democracy which is superior to all other forms of democracies, even in these other websites which are besieging Wackyiraqi.com and trying to suffocate it."
Senator vs. Jedi on Fox Celebrity Boxing
Ancient Yoda Takes on Even More Ancient Thurmond
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"His wrinkly ass I will kick," quipped the two foot tall Jedi warrior, "spitting out his false teeth out he will be. 900 years I have reached, and still better than that old scrotum I look."
To that, the elderly Senator Thurmond retorted, "I do believe I will beat that scrawny colored boy. Beat him like a green-headed step child, I say. I will jab him for America, I will punch him for South Carolina, and I will trounce him for the glory and pride of the superior white race."
"And if I can't beat him swinging," the Senator continued, "I'll just go Tyson on him and gnaw on those crazy green ears."
The matchup is set to occur in early 2003, but network officials are trying to move the date up for fear that one or both of the contestants will expire.
Bizarro Tom Daschle Agree with President
Him Not Like Other Daschle, Him Speak With One Voice
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In an interview on CNN's Larry King Live, Bizarro Daschle is quoted as saying, "Other Daschle imposter, not me. Him not like President. Him not agree with war on Iraq. Bizarro Daschle love President and war."
The existence of Bizarro Daschle was discovered when colleagues became suspicious of his complete turnaround and spontaneous support of the President's bloodlust towards Iraq. Also, because he became infuriated during the debate and threw a city bus at Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV).
"It time for America to speak with one voice," growled the man-made majority leader. "I support President no matter what he do, and so should all good American."
A quick DNA test proved the new, more agreeable Daschle to be the imposter. The real Senator Daschle could not be reached for comment and is feared drowned in a sea of political lemmings.
Presidential Robot Delivers Latest Speech
Bush Gets Help Reciting Same Speech Over and Over Again
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But now Mr. Bush has some help. Instead of re-delivering his Iraq speech last night, Pentagon scientists unveiled Bushy Ruxpin, a small, high-tech android that was able to recite a taped copy of Bush's last speech.
"Luckily, the President had absolutely nothing new to say about Iraq," admitted the robot's lead developer, "so our robot was able to do the job. If he ever comes up with some new information or anything, maybe some real evidence, we'll be totally screwed, but let's just say we're not that worried at this point."
Critics were quick to jump on the White House for spending money to develop a Presidential Robot in the midst of an economic recession, but administration officials fought back without hesitation.
"We know that the Pentagon has a bad reputation for buying $4,000 toilet seats and $200 pencils, but this robot is not one of those instances. The President acquired the fuzzy twin himself for $40 on eBay.
Ari The Mouth Turns State's Evidence
Reveals Plans to Whack Boss of Rival Hussein Gang
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According to Fleisher, whose real name is Arianno Fleishinni, "I ain't sayin' we planned to have this guy Saddam whacked, I'm just sayin' that things happen, you know? Unfortunate accidents, if you catch my drift. Brakes fail, pianos fall from windows...these things happen every day."
Until this admission, Ari the Mouth was the consiglieri and right hand man of Big Georgie W, the head of the Bushino crime family. He generally acts as the spokesperson for the Boss, and is known for giving a bit more information than he probably should.
But in this case, The Mouth is leaving the fold of his protective gang and planning to testifying against Georgie W in his impending trial. The world's biggest mob boss is set to be indicted of murder and racketeering.
Georgie W was not available for comment, but through his attorney, Johnny "Big Brother" Ashcroft, he stated for the record, "This don't worry me at all, jack. These charges is fabricationated, I ain't never been party to no murdery or racketeeration. This putanna Fleisher is dead to me, you hear me? Dead."
Rudy Giuliani to Eat Osama bin Laden
Former New York Mayor Eager to Execute, Devour Terrorist
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In a telling new autobiography entitled Leadership, Giuliani reveals that immediately after the attacks of September 11th last year he made a very interesting request of President George W. Bush.
"If you catch this guy, bin Laden, I would like to be the one to execute him," Giuliani admitted to Bush on the phone. "And after I execute him I would like to tear open his chest with my bare hands and eat his heart and liver raw."
Despite its unusual nature, Bush was not phased by Giuliani's request.
"It happens all the time," Bush revealed, "last week [German Chancellor Gerhard] Shröder asked if he could grind up Jacques Chirac and make bratwurst out of him, and just yesterday Tony Blair asked if he could have me on the kitchen table."
Uranium Smugglers Stopped at U.S. Border
Van Made Entirely of Uranium Attempted to Enter From Mexico
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The two suspects were arrested by FBI and INS agents while attempting to pass through a border crossing in an upholstery van made entirely of weapons-grade uranium.
Upon further inspection by the FBI, the van appears to be constructed from nearly 2000 lbs. of refined uranium, enough to build nearly 400 bombs the size of those dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Japan in 1945.
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One of the two subjects appears to be an American Citizen of Asian decent, but agents are sure that the other is a Mexican national. Despite that fact, the Mexican suspect swears that he was born in East Los Angeles.
Iraq Now Responsible for All Problems Ever
President Bush Drooling Over "The Button" with Weird Look in Eyes
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Standing in front of the President with his hand firmly up her rump, Rice methodically listed dozens of new, unfounded allegations about Iraq and its dictator, Saddam Hussein.
According to Rice, in addition to building and stockpiling Weapons of Mass Destruction™, Iraq is now being held responsible for harboring and training al Queda terrorists, offering rewards to the families of Palestinian suicide bombers in Israel, and secretly funding Little Nicky, Adam Sandler's last indescribably horrible movie.
Though Rice was not able to produce any of it, she cited top secret CIA evidence that clearly shows that Iraqi officials were present at the murder scene of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. Additionally, she referenced spent Iraqi shell casings found on the living room floor of Jose and Kitty Menendez.
After Rice was done vomiting White House propaganda, the President took the podium.
"With this new evidence in mind, we must strengthen our resolve against the evil people of Iraq," Bush howled crazily. "As the only responsible nation in the world, the United States has no choice but to nuke Iraq, dam the crater, and generate electricity for California."
American Terror Suspect Arrested in Pakistan
Man Found Busy in Burger King Bathroom, Plotting Attacks
KARACHI, PAKISTAN (WI) — CIA and FBI agents reeled in a top terror suspect this week, arresting American citizen
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Agents became suspicious of Al-Hump because of his unusually high standard of living for a resident of the Pakistani city, as well as his attempts to disguise himself to blend in with the local population.
"Both how he was living and his nose were large," revealed one CIA agent, "and that just didn't sit well with us. After further investigation we found him to be the leader of a vast underground; a digital network that stretched all the way from Pakistan to Oakland, California."
Agents were unable to find any bomb making supplies or Al Queda paraphernalia, but did seize several small packets of an unknown substance from Mr. Al-Hump's pockets. He was allegedly selling the packets on the streets of Karachi for "a dollar or two". Officials are testing the substance for traces Anthrax and other biological agents.
In addition to the packets, agents found a hand-written note on the suspect outlining in detail his desire to destroy "the image and the style that you are used to."
Al-Hump is due to be arraigned late tonight before Judge Alvin 'J.P' Valkenheiser, the local justice of the peace in Valkenvania, New Jersey.
Iraq Invasion Video Games Postponed Briefly
President Promises Launch Date of "Any Minute Now"
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The plethora of Iraq-Invasion simulators were subsidized by the Department of Defense in an effort help dependents and friends of armed service personnel experience the fun and excitement of murdering Iraqis first hand.
Disappointed children and adults inundated manufacturers with phone calls today, eagerly seeking a launch date for the games. Company officials could only give them the phone number for the White House, explaining that only George Bush could start the fun.
Also postponed is the release of several million "Buck fin Laden" beer-can cozies and thousands of "I Killed 500,000 Iraqi Children and all I got was this Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirts. While manufacturers are fuming at Saddam Hussein for postponing their profits another week, they didn't blame President Bush at all.
"The President is doing all he can to kick start the economy for us," touted one gaming company CEO. "It's not his fault that those sneaky Iraqis are raining on our parade. We know George will come through for us in the end, and bring hours of entertainment to American households once again, just like his daddy did."
U.S. and Iraq on the Brink of Nucular War
President Drinks Expresso to Stay Alert During Late-Night Meetings
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Satellite imagery of nucular labs inside Iraq clearly show the facilities necessary to design and create a myriad of nucular warheads.
In response to this concrete proof, the Pentagon is moving two nucular aircraft carriers and several nucular submarines armed with scores of nucular missiles to the Persian Gulf.
"We cannot let a madman like Saddam Hussein have nucular weapons," Bush reiterated. "It doesn't take a nucular physicist to understand that it's just a matter of time before he tries to unleash nucular devastation on the United States and its allies."
Since the discovery of this nucular threat, the President has spent every night in intelligence briefings and has been known to drink several expressos in order to stay on his toes. According to White House officials, no decision has been made yet regarding the Iraq issue, but supposably one will be made soon.
Bush No Longer Gives a Shit What Anyone Thinks
Moves Ahead with Attacking Iraq, Anything Else He Feels Like
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"It's healthy to discuss the issue, but ultimately the decision is mine and your opinion means absolutely nothing to me," revealed Bush. "It's important that all opinions are weighed, so long as those opinions are either mine, or in complete agreement with mine. I'm the president and those are the rules, so there."
Bush spoke before the United Nations on Thursday, and donned a pair of large earmuffs to prevent any accidental overhearing of positions contrary to his own. According to his aides, wearing the earmuffs was the only way the President would agree to appear at the U.N., for fear that someone might topple his intellectual house of cards with few coherent, contrary words.
Despite his hawkish tendencies, Bush cited Jesus Christ as his most influential philosopher during his 1999 campaign.
"There's no question in my mind that Jesus would invade Iraq if he were in my position," claimed the President, "He would have done it exactly as my Dad and I have: Bomb the hell out of them, starve them for ten years, then bomb the hell out of them again. It's perfectly clear to me, and I don't want anyone trying to change my mind."
Tony Blair Crushing Hard on George W. Bush
Prime Minister Battling Puppy Love, Iraq
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Bush's only foreign supporter in his campaign against Iraq, Blair is apparently "crazy in love" with the tenacious Texan but hasn't been able to admit it publicly yet.
Critics in Parliament and Congress say that he is probably only supporting US policy in Iraq to make Bush like him. Vice President Dick Cheney dismissed that notion as "ludicrous", but admitted that he didn't care how they got support, just so long as they get to bomb the darkies.
Though Mr. Blair has refused to comment on the issue, sources inside 10 Downing Street obtained a sales receipt for a new desk, apparently purchased for Blair after "someone" mysteriously carved TB + GWB on one of its mahogany panels.
President Bush also refused to comment directly, but White House Press Secretary Ari Fleisher did admit, "Even if these allegations are true, the President has made it clear to Tony that, while he loves the Prime Minister, he's not in love with him."
Redskins Change Name to Washington Ragheads
Team Bows to Pressure, Adopts New Non-Offensive Name
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But the PC heat has really turned up in the past few years, so team executives have finally agreed to change the name of the team to something that no American could possibly find offensive. This week the Washington Ragheads unveiled their new logo and jersey to rave reviews from sports fans and civil rights activists alike.
Said team owner Daniel Snyder, "We just saw an opportunity and went for it. September 11th really opened up a great option for us, and we think that this new name will really appeal to our patriotic fan base. We're proud and excited to hit the field and play Raghead football now."
More teams in other leagues are already expected to follow suit. Sources cite plans afoot for the Kansas City Camel Jockeys, Detroit Dune Coons, and the Cincinnati Sandniggers.
Arab and Muslim civil rights activists could not be reached for comment, presumably because they are cowering in their homes for fear of being killed in a hate crime.
Jacko in Strange Public Appearance, Young Boys
Pop Superstar Invents, Accepts Some Sort of Crazy Award
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The insane 42-year old superstar had been encased in the cocoon for months, but finally emerged to simultaneously invent and accept MTV's "Artist of the Millennium Award" at the cable network's Video Music Awards in New York.
While very embarrassing, Jackson's handlers admitted that the incident was not the worst of the night. Just minutes after Jacko's bizarre stage appearance, rapper DMX mistook the King of Pop for an ornate cheese knife and used his freakishly thin nose to slice off a piece of cheddar on the backstage snack table.
To add insult to injury, the rapper refused to apologize for his mistake, explaining, "He's been mistaken for a cracker so many times, he should be used to that snack table by now."
King George II Declares War Without Parliament
Tells MPs to Sod Off, Mobilizes Royal Navy Without Approval
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A spokesman for the Crown declared today that His Highness wishes Parliament to "Sod off, and not interfere with matters of My empire abroad. What arrogance to think that commoners can usurp my divine powers as leader of the United Kingdom of America."
Meanwhile, on His orders, King George's Royal Navy is mobilizing to obliterate the Iraqi savages and claim the primitive near-eastern nation for the monarchy. Warships full of armaments will be soon be steaming across the Atlantic and not returning until they're brimming over with tea, carpets and slaves from the dark, Godless void that is Iraq.
Reactions from Parliament have been mixed. While some MPs believe that George is overstepping his bounds, most feel that he is well within his God-given rights as King. "All Americans are just lowly subjects of His Highness," exclaimed one MP, "we should be thankful that we have such a wise and flawless leader to keep us safe from the darkies."
U.S. Funds, Condemns Iraq's Chemical Weapons
Treasury Attempts Stop-Payment on 15 Year-Old Check
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"It just seemed like such a cool idea at the time," admitted Secretary of State Colin Powell, "but in retrospect most of us now realize that it was pretty retarded. And believe me, our soldiers are really looking forward to marching into Baghdad and being gassed by the chemicals that their parents paid for when they were in diapers."
In a last-ditch effort to right our wrongs by requesting a stop-payment on Reagan's 15-year old check, officials at the U.S. Treasury Department called the 800-number at the Federal Reserve Bank after hours. Unfortunately, after getting lost in the voicemail menu system for about 20 minutes they got frustrated and gave up.
When reached for comment on aid to Iraq during his administration, former President Ronald Reagan drooled all over the microphone and then farted.
Saddam To Run: Can He Win Another Term?
Hussein Faces Fierce Competition from Iraqi Green Party
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Of course, there is only one question in the mind of all Iraqis: Can Saddam win again? In his 35 years as undisputed, bloodthirsty dictator of Iraq, Hussein has consistently held an astounding 100% approval rating. Even rampant death, disease and starvation throughout the decade following the Gulf War™ haven't tarnished his reputation in popular opinion polls.
This year Saddam faces a fierce fight from the Iraqi Green Party (IGP), who hold a strong 0.04% of the vote (± 3% error) in recent Baghdad polls.
But despite this unprecedented competition, most Iraqi political analysts concede that Saddam will probably hold on to the office for at least one more seven-year term. Even as the US Government gears up to kill thousands more of his constituents, one thing is clear: Iraqis love Saddam and just can't wait to vote for him again.
Charlton Heston to Star in Remake of The Two Commandments
Get Your Hands Off Him You Damn Dirty Neurological Disorder
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Plans to restart his acting career in 2001 were dashed when director Tom Burton failed to cast him in the big-budget remake of the 1968 classic Planet of the Ants.
While Heston's mental faculties may be degrading, he has vowed to stay active in politics. Though he will be stepping down as chairman of the National Republican Association, he has been given the nod from Ronald Reagan to join him on the 1984 presidential ticket.
In a late night phone call from Reagan to Heston, the former President reportedly asked, "Time for pudding, Mommy?" to which Heston replied, "Guns. Guns. Dirty apes. Bible. Guns."
Jamaica Demands Regime Change in U.S.
Powerful Island Nation Cuts All Diplomatic Ties Indefinitely
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KINGSTON, JAMAICA (WI) — Just as President George Bush again called for a change of leadership in the Palestinian Authority, his own authority has been challenged by the island superpower of Jamaica.
According to officials in Kingston, Bush's cabinet has been "corrupted by terror" and must be replaced immediately or all U.S. aid from Jamaica will be put on hold indefinitely. In addition, the powerful nation has increased military aid to Cuba from $3b to $4b per year, helping them maintain their bloody stranglehold on South Beach and the Daytona Strip, Cuba's occupied territories in Florida.
"Elections are not enough," demanded P.J. Patterson, Prime Minister of Jamaica, "We have to make sure that the American people don't elect him again. He must be removed and never allowed to lead the U.S. again no matter what Americans want. This is how it must be, because we say so, mon."
Through a statement by White House Press Secretary Ari Fleisher, Bush admitted, "I'm very dissapointed with this news from Jamaica, I was really hoping to be President for a while longer. But, by my own logic, I have no choice but to step down, regardless of the fact that I'm the fairly elected leader of a sovereign government. They're just more powerful than we are."
American Pilots Fighting the War, On Drugs
U.S. Flyboys Smoke Thousands of Afgans, Doobies
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN (WI) — According to U.S. Air Force sources, U.S. pilots regularly use amphetamines such as Dexedrine to stay awake during long missions, then sedatives to help them sleep afterwards.
Amphetamines are drugs that manipulate the central nervous system and can cause side-effects such as increased respiration, euphoria, irritability, hostility towards wedding parties, confusion, tremors, convulsions, fear of Canadians, anxiety, paranoia, and aggressiveness.
In addition to Dexedrine, USAF doctors have prescribed Biphetamine, Desoxyn, Ritalin, Mescaline, Cocaine, Orange Sunshine, Peyote, Sudafed and Pop Rocks.
While Air Force officials vehemently deny any correlation between amphetamine use and the string of friendly-fire and civilian bombings in Afghanistan, pilots have admitted to launching attacks on "what looked like huge bats, all screeching and swerving around us. Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"
5000 Dead Iraqi Children per Month Too Slow
Pentagon Plans More Efficient 8,000 per Month Program
WASHINGTON, D.C. (WI) — President Bush announced his displeasure this week with the UNICEF estimate that 5,000 Iraqi children are dying every month due to continuing economic sanctions on Iraq. In a speech delivered in the White House Rose Garden, Bush commissioned the Pentagon to improve sanctions in order to kill 6,000-8,000 children per month.
"These sanctions are shameful. To think that America, the most efficient and hard-working nation in the world, is only able to kill 5,000 children per month is nothing short of an embarrassment," admitted Bush. "I am calling on all our resources at the Department of Defense to streamline the starving process on order to kill many, many more children."
When questioned regarding the an actual purpose behind the 12 year-old sanctions plan, Bush droned robotically, "We must teach the Bully of Baghdad, Saddam Hussein, a lesson in leadership. I don't think that anyone can argue, the only way to teach him that lesson is by yanking the food and medicine out of the mouths of innocent children."
Piles of Dead Palestinian Children Abound
Sharon Rocks & Rolls All Night, Parties Every Day
TEL AVIV, ISRAEL (WI) — Happy days are here again in the Sharon household, as nine Palestinian children died from an accute overdose of Israeli missiles this week.
Calling the attack "totally kickass" and "killer", Prime Minister Sharon pounded brewskis and danced gleefully for hours following the great news. The previous record for dead children in one attack was 7, set in 1998 by then Prime Minister and bloodthirsty prick Benjamin Netanyahu.
"I never thought I could beat Bibi's tremendous record," exclaimed Sharon at the awards ceremony, "but ever since Barry beat Mark McGuire's home run record, I knew I had to keep reaching for the stars. I'd like to send a shout out to God for making all things possible, all my peeps at Death Row records, and most of all my millions of fans for supporting me. Without you, there's just no way I could have killed so many children in one attack. Thank you."
President Unveils, Can't Spell T.I.P.S.
Launches "Operation Rat on your Arab Neighbor"
WASHINGTON, D.C. (WI) — In an effort help the new Office of Homeland Security make the big leap into 1952, President Bush has unveiled Operation TIPS (The Inevitable Police State). The plan involves recruiting ordinary citizens to report suspicious persons, odd behavior, or brown skin.
Citizens could range from truck drivers to cable TV installers, including many people with regular access to the insides of citizens' homes, offices and vehicles. While the American Civil Liberties Union has issued a concerned reaction regarding TIPS, President Bush and Attorney General Ashcroft have already bitten back.
"This is not a permanent program, and the last thing we want is ordinary citizens spying on each other," Bush explained. "This is merely a temporary fix, until we can have high-tech cameras installed in every livingroom, bedroom and bathroom in the country."
Pilots: One Step Closer to Booze AND Guns!
Watch For Your Captain on Tonight's Episode of "COPS"
"As a matter of fact, we're on our way to toss a few back with Ted Kennedy right now," admitted one pilot, "at least until 10:30...we're scheduled to fly to Atlanta."
Whether or not shmoozing with Senators will help their cause, one thing is certain: nothing goes better with flyin' than shootin' and drinkin'.
WASHINGTON, D.C. (WI) — In a big step for gun-loving drunk pilots everywhere, the House of Representatives voted 310-113 to allow guns in America's cockpits. In addition, peanuts and pretzels will be replaced with jerky and pork rinds, and all US-registered aircraft will be required to have at least one primer-colored fender. While the bill must still make it through the Senate, representatives of the Pilot's Union aren't sweating a bit.
Pope Confined to "Captain Pike" Chair
Spends days rolling around with mouth agape
While he still cannot move a muscle in his body, His Grace will now be able to control his chair via brain waves to roll around the Vatican and flash a little yellow light to his followers on Christmas and Easter.
Additionally, in compliance with the PJP2DA (Pope John Paul IIs with Disabilities Act) of 2002, all Vatican staircases will soon be equipped with Pike Chair ramps, and the Pope's personal kitchen will be stocked with a box of bendy drinking straws.
When asked if he plans to change his positions towards abortion, homosexuality or birth control as he nears his final hours, the aging pontiff replied, "Beep. Beep."
VATICAN CITY (WI) — An ailing Pope John Paul II was finally placed in a "Captain Pike chair" this week, after aides realized that he was paralyzed from the hat down.
We Call Them 'Not So Mellow Yellows'
Abercrombie pulls 'racist' Asian theme T-shirts (CNN.com)
Those were wise words, in his time and ours, and especially in light of last week's uproar over Abercrombie & Fitch's new T-Shirt designs. It seems that a few jackasses with no sense of humor find the new designs offensive and racist. Thank God™ there are no other problems in the world, so that we have plenty of time to protest T-shirt designs.
And how about those protesters from Stanford University? Apparently "Fitting Everything you want to Say Neatly on a Sign: 101" is not offered in their schedule of classes.
Confucius say, "company who make funny shirts will feel wrath of assholes with no sense of humor."
Says Alfred E. Laden: What, Me Worry?
Bin Laden doll outsells plastic Blair (ananova.com)
As for the Bush doll, take a gander. I find it strange that they would go for the pistol and knife accessories over the kung-fu beer bong and the secret baggie of "ninja dust", but I digress.
What an astonishing surprise that Osama Bin Laden dolls are outselling small plastic Tony Blairs. While he's undoubtedly the most exciting man in Britain, I guess developers failed to notice that the real Tony Blair is already small and plastic. At least they featured his pants realistically hiked up to his nostrils, and I hear that all dolls come with a tube of super glue so kids can lodge Blair's nose firmly and permanently in George W. Bush's ass.
National 'Shut your fat yap and make me some frigging coffee' Week
50 Years of Recognizing Excellence
(iaap-hq.com)
It probably happened around the same time that toilet paper became "bath tissue". We wonder why it's so hard for immigrants to learn english when they arrive in the United States, but then we remove any and all practical function out of what we call everything. Starting today, I going back to the good ol' days. I'm calling bath tissue what it is: asswipes...and I'm calling National Administrave Professionals Week exactly what it is: National Asswipes Week.
When exactly did Secretaries Week become National Administrative Professionals Weeksm?Apparently yet another word has spontaneously become offensive—now we can't call anyone a Secretary or we're being...racist?...jobist? Hell, I don't know.
The Jenin Massacre: Your Tax Dollars at Work'Horrifying' scene at Jenin, U.N. envoy says (CNN.com)
Maybe I'm just a little sensitive because I just paid my taxes...or maybe I just don't like seeing civilians slaugtered and left to rot. So how do you feel about your tax dollars funding the Israeli military as they bulldoze houses and shoot children? Is this any different from funding suicide bombers to blow up busses? Hey I've got a crazy idea: let's stop funding ANY murders, not just the ones who are politically popular.
Hey Rocky, Watch me Pull a Rabbit off My Scalp!Move Made to Expel Felon Traficant From Congress (Reuters/Yahoo.com)
Holy crap, this has GOT to be a joke. There is no way that anyone, let alone a public figure, would have the huevos to walk around town with hair like this. It looks like a squirrel fell asleep on Johnny Cash.
Congress: Never mind expelling Traficant, please have that critter on his head deported immediately!
I've got what it takes to lead the PLO:
Jewish Good Looks (Independent.co.uk)
An old but great article by Brian Damage Balowski himself, Alexei Sayle.
War brought misery to Iraqi town Once-lovely Iraqi resort now filled with suffering Gulf War brought era of pollution and cancer (SFGate.com)
There's not a lot to say about this one, the article tells the story. For those of you that thought the "Gulf War" ended ten years ago, it may have for you, but it's still going strong for millions.
ACLU Sues on Behalf of Muslim Woman (ACLU.org)
Three security guards and a National Guardsman harassed a 22 year-old Muslim woman for seemingly no reason whatsoever (other than her skin tone and clothing) at O'Hare International Airport. Just another day at the airport; just another case of Flying While Brown. If only they'd started racial profiling after the Oklahoma City bombing, the Muslim woman would have been searching the National Guardsman.
Mix-up has plaque honoring accused MLK killer... (SunSentinal.com)
Instead of honoring Tony award-winning actor James Earl Jones for Martin Luther King day, a Florida company created a plaque that reads "Thank you James Earl Ray for keeping the dream alive". I'm completely speechless. I can't even make up stuff that funny and bizarre.
Director Ted Demme, dead at 38 (CNN.com)
Dude, that blows. Ted Demme died at 38 while playing blacksketball. Remind me to lay off the celebrity tournaments from now on.
Bush Recovers From Fainting Episode (Excite.com/AP)
Man, it must suck to be president. You choke on one little pretzel, pass out and mess up your face, and it's all over the world news. Luckily, G.W.'s dad was around to help him out when he fainted, but when he saw the cut on little George's face he barfed all over him.
Salt Lake Has Eye Out for Bin Laden (Reuters.com)
If Osama bin Laden could get himself out of that barren, uninhabitable hell hole that is Afghanistan, where would be the first city he'd run to? Why, the barren, uninhabitable hell hole that is Salt Lake City of course. Twenty-five SLC residents have taken a break from calling in Elvis sightings to call in Osama sightings for a while. And to add insult to injury, Osama isn't even driving an American car — the bastard is putting around in a Volkswagon.
America is open for Exploitation (sfvisitor.org)As if the Pontiac "Keep America Rolling" commercials aren't annoying enough, now there are zillions of "America: Open for Business" signs posted in San Francisco stores.
Apparently the Attack on America!™ is shaping up to be the greatest advertising boon since Jesus kicked off, and businesses are going to milk it for everything it's worth. So if you're a true patriot then it's your civic duty to blow all your money on a bunch of crap that you don't really need. Do it for America, America!
Bow Down to the Dark Side (Cathedral.org)
I can only assume that someone discreetly hacked the National Cathedral website. Otherwise the fight for the separation of church and state just got a whole lot more interesting.
As if this kind of bullshit deserves to make headlines, some Christian nutjobs in New Mexico (just like Old Mexico, but with 25% less diarrhea) are burning Harry Potter books. I would just like to give mad props* to the guy who showed up to protest the burning dressed as Hitler. That takes some serious nards.
* Give Props (v): 1. to raise the roofs on one's behalf or in celebration of one's homie, 2. give a shout out. Ant: Dis, Clown.