01.24.2003 (Friday) DirecTV to Offer Live Non-Stop War Entertainment Pay-Per-View Package Promises more Death for the Dollar EL SEGUNDO, CA (WI) — True sports fans looking for more action and excitement have a new source, thanks to satellite television provider DirecTV. In the tradition of their highly successful NFL Sunday Ticket and NHL Center Ice sports packages, DirecTV is teaming up the U.S. Department of Defense and CNN, the world's number one news network, to bring subscribers ten new channels dedicated to live footage of the upcoming U.S./Iraq war. Entitled Iraq AttackPak 2003™, the service will be available for only $139 for the entire 2003-2004 war season, and will guarantee viewers at least 1,200 live bombings per day. Early bird subscribers will also have access to two additional channels, dedicated to real-time footage of civilians frantically pulling their children from their vehicles as the bridges are bombed out from under them. IraqPak subscribers will also receive the benefit of a 20% discount on gas from participating Chevron stations, just by presenting their AttackPak subscription cards at the pump. "The discount represents an advance," explained John Doe, the CEO of General Motors, DirecTV's parent company. "It's just a taste of the stupendous savings Americans expect to gain from invading Iraq and violently sucking dry every one of the impoverished nation's oil wells." Recent Headlines: President Bush Threatens Saddam While Washing    Kim Jong Il's Car (01.15) Local Arab-American Too Busy for This Stupid Site (01.08) Paramount Unveils Yet Another Star Trek Prequel Series (12.23) Recession Continues to Hit San Franciscans Hard (12.11)