Saddam Behind Bars: World Now Safe for All
Terrorism Gone, Everyone Totally Awesome to Each Other Now
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According to the report, terrorism around the world has dropped an astonishing 100% since the arrest of the 66 year-old burrowing semite.
Since the capture of Hussein, car and suicide bombings, hijackings, and assassination attempts have ceased all over the Middle East, and thousands of wanted terrorists have surrendered to authorities around the world.
Drops in pickpocketing, car theft and burglary have also been reported around the world, as well as a significant reduction in rudeness and uptightness and a 450% increase in smiles and rainbows.
While White House officials jumped at the opportunity to declare the world a "safer place" earlier this week, even they had no idea the benefits would go this far.
"This is just a triumph for human kind and for President Bush," exclaimed White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "He's been telling the world for months that Saddam needed to be stopped to make the world safe, and now is his time to say 'I told you so.'"
While scientists are at a loss to explain it, the capture of Hussein is thought to be the reason that the Potomac is now flowing with peppermint candies and why neighborhoods all over the country are inundated with cute, cuddly puppies and kittens.
CAPTURED
ALIVE!
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The disoriented, unapologetic Kringle was found in a "santa hole" next to a farm house just outside his home town of The North Pole. Elves all over the world have taken the streets to celebrate then end to a lifetime of brutal slave labor.
Catholic Church Sues Michael Jackson for Copyright Infringement
Bishops, Cardinals to Testify that Raping Boys was Their Idea First
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In a case filed this week with the Superior Court of California, the Church alleges that pop megastar Michael Jackson infringed on their intellectual property by stealing their idea to rape young boys. The suit adds to the mountain of legal troubles piling up on the near-bankrupt, near-noseless King of Pederasty.
According to Jackson's attorneys, "Our client concedes that the priests have probably been raping children longer than he has—he has never denied that fact. What we object to is the claim that they hold a copyright on the idea, or any patent on the exact method in which the boy buggering was carried out."
While the future looks bleak for Jacko, this case is by no means a slam-dunk for the Church. Proving that Jackson stole their intellectual property will be an uphill battle, especially since they've spent decades trying to hide the molestation, lending to Michael's theory that he though up raping boys independently of their groundbreaking work.
Legal experts are completely baffled by the case, and are generally avoiding making any premature predictions regarding the outcome. Said one prominent attorney speaking on the condition of anonymity, "We haven't seen a case this bizarre in years—ever since King Henry VIII sued OJ Simpson for chopping his wife's head off."
Bush Praises Dead Soldiers for Boosting Economy
War Casualties Doing Wonders for Nation's Bottom Line
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Not surprisingly, most of the nation's economic gains are coming from the body bag industry, which grows every day as our position in Iraq grows weaker and our soldiers continue to die on a daily basis. Additionally, with dozens of healthy, able-bodied young reservists dying every month, their jobs back home open up for recession-weary job seekers to gobble up.
Though jobs in most other U.S. manufacturing sectors continue to stagnate, new positions such as Body Bag Assembly Specialist, Assistant Body Bag Inspector, and Body Bag Zipper Alignment Engineer are growing exponentially, and Bush Administration economic advisors are all smiles.
"All this time I just figured that the President's military policy in Iraq was ill-conceived, poorly executed, and lacking even the tiniest shred of logic or strategy," admitted Samuel Weinstein, professor of Economics at the University of Chicago. "But after seeing the latest figures, I have to eat my words. All our dead kids aren't going to bury themselves…this jumpstart is exactly what our economy needs, and we have the Bush Administration to thank!"
It is not clear as to if or when this burst in death-related sales may plateau or even taper off, but for now there is no end in sight. Complimentary products such as headstones, flowers and shovels are also flying off the shelves and experts agree, as long as our sons and daughters keep being killed overseas, we'll have nothing but smooth economic sailing here at home.
Nerd Judge Ordered to Remove Dungeons & Dragons Rules from Courthouse
Supreme Court Builds Wall Between Fantasy and State
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Nerd Justice and Dungeon Master Harold L. "NyteShadow" Hawkins of the Arizona Supreme Court lost several charisma points this week when the nation's highest court ordered his granite copy of the rules to the popular role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons removed from his state capital's rotunda.
Representatives for Hasbro, the company that makes the fantasy role-playing game, released a statement this week denying any involvement with the controversial monument.
"This sculpture has nothing to do with the game—it is simply one loser's interpretation of how it should be played. We certainly didn't include 'Thou Shalt Return my 30-sided Die if Thou Hast Borrowed it' in the official rules of the game. Hasbro and its subsidiaries cannot control what every 48 year old virgin gavel-jockey wants to carve into a chunk of rock."
The decision to remove the statue has sparked thousands of angry emails and instant messages, though no one has actually left their houses to protest. Supporters of the dork judge intend to host a LAN party on the steps of the courthouse, but so far have been unable to acquire a permit to serve Mountain Dew in public.
Iraqi Car Insurance Rates Continue to Explode
Car Bombings Blow Up Buildings, Citizens, Premiums
By Abdul Mubdee, WackyIraqi.com Insurance Correspondent
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"This is just another domino falling from the war," says Triple-I spokesperson Geiko al-Rutbah. "Someone has to pay and we might as well pass on our costs to consumers."
Since Coalition forces declared the end of the war, car bombings have increased by 350 percent, which in turn has lead III to take action across the board. Insuring a Toyota Camry used to cost 680 billion Iraqi Dinars ($14) per year under the old regime. Because of the likelihood of drivers using their cars as weapons, Iraqis can now expect to pay upwards of $5,000 a year, or four bazillion dinars.
Triple-I expects to introduce a 'weapon of minor destruction' waiver to cover terrorist incidents, however they are still trying to identify what a WmD might be and who might be responsible.
The rate hike has many drivers foregoing insurance, like 25 year-old budding terrorist Muhammed Muhammed Muhammed: "What do I care if I'm just going to load up with C4 and ram my car into a tank? I'm going to die anyway, Allah will underwrite my policy."
Says Triple-I's al-Rutbah, "That kind of attitude hurts everyone. There are serious ramifications to car bombing such as property damage, maiming, death and property damage. People expect insurance companies to pay—we're really just saying to people: 'fat chance.'"
Authorities Still Baffled by Death of Bob Hope
Legendary Comic Dies Suddenly for Seemingly No Reason
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So far investigators are without a single lead. The Los Angeles County Coroners Office has not yet released the results of an autopsy performed last week, but sources have told reporters that foul play is all but a certainty.
"People don't just die for no reason whatsoever," explained Los Angeles Police Chief William J Bratton at a Monday press conference. "There has to be some sort of logical explanation for this startling death. We are looking into whether or not Mr. Hope had any enemies—anyone who would be driven to cut his life short so suddenly and so tragically."
Hope was best known for his years of service entertaining U.S. troops while they leveled various third-world nations. He was also famous for his theme song, Thanks for the Memories, though in recent years the tune has come to evoke more irony than nostalgia.
Hope's premature passing has sparked some speculation into the possible existence of a "Hollywood Icon" serial killer. Earlier this year, both Milton Berle and his huge penis died under similar, mysterious circumstances.
While no names or fingerprints have been made available, witnesses to the deaths of both Hope and Berle have recalled seeing a similar man flee the crime scene. The man was described as very thin, wearing all black with a hood, and carrying some sort of large gardening implement.
Adam and Dr. Drew Bring Peace to the Middle East
Late-Night Radio Hosts Get to Root of Arab/Israeli Conflict
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Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew Pinsky took a conference call from both Israel and Palestine, and helped the two tiny nations work out many of their dysfunctional relationship problems.
Israel actually made the call, finally getting on the air after falling asleep on the phone while waiting on hold for 96 minutes. At first Israel claimed that all was well between it and Palestine, but after some brief questioning and a call to Palestine by Drew and Adam, it quickly became clear that the relationship had serious problems.
"These two countries are drawn to chaos," explained Drew, a medical doctor and addiction medicine specialist. "They need to learn to break the cycle that their parents started with their countries, and to start fresh with the help of some therapy and a support group."
Adam's take on the situation was a bit more direct.
"You Jews are too God damned cheap," he theorized, "you need to spend a little cash on the Arabs if you want to keep the relationship fresh. You Arabs need to shave your asses—-trust me, I know, I've got a regular briar patch back there."
In addition to doling out such excellent advice, Corolla lost four dollars to Pinksy in a wager that Israel's father was an alcoholic, and that Palestine was molested by a babysitter at age eight. According to Palestine, it was actually molested at six years old its uncle Syria.
Scott Peterson Prepares to Play Race Card
Defense Attorney Accuses Police, DA of Racism
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This week Peterson began tinting his skin, apparently in preparation to play the Race Card™ against Stanislaus County Prosecutors. His lawyer is expected to release damaging pseudo-evidence next week, accusing the Modesto, California Police Department of an elaborate OJ-esque plot to put Peterson behind bars because he is black.
"The fact that my client was not black at the time of the murders nor at the time of his arrest is not important," explained defense attorney Mark Geragos. "The important thing is that he is black now, and he is being framed railroaded by a corrupt, racist justice system."
This is the second time the Race Card™ has been played in a high-profile case since it first worked in October of 1995. Before then, the strategy had experienced a dismal 450-year losing streak in the US and British court systems.
Immediately after being found not-guilty, Peterson is expected to return his skin to its normal pigment so he will be able to obtain a job and catch a cab if needed.
Attorneys for celebrity murderer Robert Blake are said to be watching the Peterson case carefully, and have already rented a high-powered tanning bed for their client.
Senate Deadlock: Are Fags Worse than Niggers?
Legislators Debate Over Who They Should Hate More
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This week, tempers in both parties have flared up following some controversial comments by Rick Santorum, a Republican Senator from Pennsylvania.
In an Associated Press interview, Senator Santorum described a "problem with homosexual acts," and likened gay behavior to such crimes as bigamy and incest.
His comments infuriated current and former senators, including Trent Lott, Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms, who worry that anti-gay legislation will only serve to distract lawmakers from passing far more important anti-black legislation.
"The last thing we want to do is defend the fags," explained Lott (R-MS), "but if we waste any more time on this issue, the negros will be free to invade our colleges and take all of our jobs, tax money and virginal, white daughters."
In numerous follow-up interviews defending himself, Santorum reiterated his position that he does not have any problem with homosexuals or homosexuality, just with homosexual acts. Similarly, he explained that he has no qualms with ducks, he only hates feathered aquatic animals that happen to have bills and webbed feet.
A final vote on the cocksuckers vs. spearchuckers issue is scheduled to reach the Senate floor later this week, though the real decision will be made by The Jews™ well in advance.
Michael Jackson to SARS Victims: I Told You So
Bizarre Mask-Wearing Behavior Finally Pays Off
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Pop music superstar Michael Jackson, who regularly wears a surgical mask to help keep out all the germs from his mouth-breathing fans, is finally able to say 'I told you so' to the other six billion normal people in the world who do not wear masks on a regular basis.
"Mr. Jackson should be commended for his foresight," admitted United States Surgeon General Richard Carmona. "He and his fucked up children have been wearing masks for years, it's really amazing that they saw SARS coming so early. How could we have known that this crazy freak was right and the rest of the universe was wrong?"
But Jacko is not putting all his eggs in one mask. In addition to covering his mouth, Jackson had his entire face replaced with medical-grade plastic and his nostrils removed to keep out impurities.
In a statement released to the press by his attorney, Jackson said, "The world has mocked me for all too long, and now they are being punished with SARS. If I were still physically capable of laughing, I would be having the last one now."
Jackson's personal doctors have also discovered vitamin C in the genitals of young boys, and apparently Jackson is taking appropriate steps to get his daily USDA allowance.
Christopher Lowell Arrested on Arson Charges
Popular TV Host Left Home After Home in Flames
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According to prosecutors, television interior designer Christopher Lowell used his celebrity to gain the trust of homeowners, only to leave a trail of flames in hundreds of houses all over the United States. While arson investigators were reluctant to admit if he was caught in the act, an anonymous source did tell reporters that Lowell was arrested under very queer circumstances.
Lowell is being held in Los Angeles County Jail, and was photographed while being transported to his arraignment on Wednesday morning. Sources inside the LA County Sheriff's office told reporters that Lowell was fitted for a special flame-retardant prison uniform, and that his cell is equipped with advanced smoke detectors and an extensive sprinkler system. But despite his dire legal situation, Lowell is said to be in a gay spirits.
Lowell's attorney, Johnny Cochran, refuted the charges in a Thursday press conference.
"This is an outrage! My client is completely innocent of any wrongdoing in this case," Cochran announced to a hungry press corps. "There is absolutely no proof that Chris is responsible for these fires, and if I'm wrong may the Good Lord strike me down by chopping my head off and getting away with it."
Coalition Forces in Iraq Non-Existent, Defeated
Iraqi Army 'Slaughters' Imaginary U.S. and British Soldiers
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In his speech, al-Sahhaf reiterated previous claims that Coalition forces have suffered brutal defeats, and that reports of U.S. tanks in Baghdad were media fabrications and "foolish lies" by the U.S. government.
"The so-called Coalition armies have been slaughtered by the thousands, though they did not exist in the first place," al-Sahhaf explained in Arabic. "It is clear that the feeble armies of the midget donkey Bush Jr. have been destroyed a few kilometers outside Baghdad, but they are still over 100 kilometers away."
Al-Sahhaf went on to explain that the invading armies had not yet reached Saddam International Airport, and also that they had been soundly defeated when they reached Saddam International Airport. Additionally, he insisted that American incursions into downtown Baghdad yesterday never happened, and that when they did happen then the Americans were decimated.
In closing al-Sahhaf noted that, even though Zionist-controlled western news media manipulate people into thinking that it tastes great, Bud Light is actually less filling.
When questioned by reporters regarding his claims, smoke began to billow from the Information Minister's ears and a small hatch opened in his chest, exposing a labyrinth of circuits and wires. Sources say he has been returned to the manufacturer for repairs, but would be back online tomorrow to give out more war news, fortunes and horoscopes for anyone who inserts 25¢.
Chevy Says F-U to Gas Prices with New IRAQ-Z
New Camaro Kicks More Ass than a Mad Donkey in a Butt Factory
By Abdul Mubdee, WackyIraqi.com Transportation Correspondent
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And if you want solid, Chevy has gone back to its roots to offer a chassis of steel beams held together with bolts. No uni-body, single-frame bull crap--just a loud, shatteringly unstable heap of welded metal. They also got rid of air conditioning, side and front airbags and put in an 8-track with a mono FM radio.
Maneuverability of the IRAQ-Z is stiff and requires huge forearms due to the removal of power steering. The stock 8-ball gear shift is a nice touch, as are the pink fuzzy dice and American flag decals. Chevy also offers a decor package with all the Calvin peeing on "SANDNIGGERS" stickers you would want. The ride is completely uncomfortable, like being drawn over a cobblestone street—perfect for stunning your female victims and making them more susceptible to date rape. When we redlined the beast on the highway, the built-in bouncing hula girl lost her skirt. Yeah, baby. Power we like.
Best of all is the price. Any slackjaw yokel with a 9-to-5 can afford the $8K MSRP this sucker costs. So even though you get just 2.6 miles per gallon, Chevy has more than made up for it with power and affordability. Besides, if you're just cruising, you don't use that much gas anyway. So stay in the neighborhood and go get yourself an IRAQ-Z.
Soldiers Told to Stop Defacing Pictures of Saddam
CIA Working Diligently to Tell Despots from Duplicates
Submitted by: Frank Enbeans, WackyIraqi.com Staff Writer
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Earlier this week, the symbolic operation was halted when a new Pentagon intelligence report threw a sand-monkey wrench into the American public relations machine. According to that report, many of the portraits of Saddam littered throughout Iraq may actually be portraits of his numerous body doubles.
With unit morale sagging after fierce fighting, Coalition forces were disappointed further by the news that they would have to cease drawing sillier moustaches over pictures of Saddam's already silly one. It was understood by all, however, that it would be necessary to verify which pictures were actually of Saddam so that the wrong men did not get defaced.
"We humbly apologize for any emotional or psychological damage we may have done to Saddam's body doubles. This war is not against you, the innocent body doubles of Iraq. It is against the brutal dictator after whom your faces were surgically modeled," reiterated John Abizaid, Deputy Commander of U.S. Central Command.
According to Pentagon sources, those pictures and statues determined to be of Saddam's look-alikes will immediately be restored to their pseudo-narcissistic splendor.
Survivor: Iraq Accidentally Cancelled by U.S. Bomb
Contestants, Cast Voted off This Mortal Coil
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The sixteen contestants had not yet moved out into the field when they were voted off the world, but were at a Baghdad hospital getting checkups and inoculations when an American bomb leveled the entire building and the block on which it stood.
Also killed during the attack were four crew members, the show's host Jeff Probst, and a whole pile of Iraqis that no one bothered to count.
It is difficult to estimate the total fallout this tragedy will have on future television programming, but industry insiders have already alluded to major network shakeups. Both MTV's Real World: Basra and The Learning Channel's much anticipated home-decor spinoff Trading Tents have been put on hold indefinitely.
CNN, however, is enjoying record ratings from the war.
"I can't believe we didn't think of this earlier," laughed Richard Parsons, Chief Executive of CNN's parent company AOL Time Warner. "This war is doing wonders for our bottom line. Embedding journalists in the battlefield is embedding cash in our pockets. Enough cash to fill a hundred thousand body bags. More cash than you could shake a severed arm at."
Also cashing in on the war fever is NBC. The peacock network has already announced new episodes of their hit show Fear Factor, in which contestants must try to live in Baghdad for 2 hours to win fabulous cash prizes. Participants who are not killed could take home up to 50,000 Iraqi Dinars, or $17.
U.S. Marines Raise Texas Flag over Iraqi Port City
Message to Saddam: Don't Mess with Texas, Umm Qasr
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The flag raising is meant to send a symbolic message to Saddam Hussein: Don't Mess with Texas, Umm Qasr, or the greater Basra metropolitan area.
As U.S. Military personnel continue to disarm and sort out surrendering Iraqi soldiers, additional changes are already being made in Iraqi towns.
"Per an order directly from the Commander in Chief, we have installed an electric chair and already executed over two hundred Texas death row inmates," explained Gen. Tommy Franks, head of the U.S. Central Command. "The Army Corps of Engineers has also started construction on three gun shops, two Wal-Marts and a drive-thru liquor store."
U.S. military commander are expecting that, by week's end, even more Texas-style warnings will be sent to Saddam's dying regime, including: Don't Mess with Nasiriya, Don't Mess with Karbala, and eventually Don't Mess with Baghdad.
United States Changes its Name to "Coalition"
Coalition Forces Hit Targets in Baghdad and Southern Iraq
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BAGHDAD, IRAQ (WI) — In a move to convince the world that they are not going it alone, the United States Congress has quickly amended the U.S. Constitution and changed the superpower's name to "Coalition". Almost immediately after the emergency congressional name-changing session, "Coalition" forces began bombing targets in Southern Iraq and outside Baghdad.
Additionally, two stars have been added to the new United States of Coalition flag, representing Britain and Spain. The two new stars are smaller and less prominent than the other 50, as these new states have no autonomy and must rely completely on the President for decision making.
Following the bombing, one of the Saddam Husseins spoke before the Iraqi people denouncing the Coalition attack. CIA video analysts believe that the speech was probably given by Saddam #4, though one source told reporters that it could have been Saddam #12 with a cold.
At a late morning press conference, Donald Rumsfeld pretended to answer questions about the attack and the impending invasion in his usual, warm manner.
"I'm not telling you fucking reporters a thing--just who do you think you are?" the Defense Secretary barked. "You'll get the news when I damn well feel like it, and not a minute before. If you don't like it you can move back to Old Europe or whatever pussy country your parents came from. Thank you and good morning."
San Francisco Police Act Swiftly on Anonymous Tip
Cops in Riot Gear Move in on Sinister Criminal Operation
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The report came in around 3pm on March 15th. The unidentified caller described a faint tobacco smell wafting around the sub shop's interior.
It was not immediately clear whether the smoke originated from indoors or somewhere outside. Police cordoned off the entire block of 3rd between Market and Mission Streets, and arrested over 150 people on suspicion of tobacco use.
If convicted of smoking in public, the suspects could face death by lethal injection. Until recently, California executed prisoners in the gas chamber, but switched to lethal injection under pressure from human rights groups. The state never adopted the popular electric chair method however, out of concerns that the unit might emit smoke.
According to a city ordinance, it is not legal to smoke within 15 feet of a public building, private home, a city, state or national landmark, children, adults, domesticated pets, livestock, trees and other plants, rocks or gravel, or anywhere else where oxygen exists or may potentially exist in the future.
In addition to all the arrests, two people were shot and killed when one of them reached into his inside pocket while being questioned by police.
"The suspect moved his hands very quickly and suspiciously towards his coat while the officers were speaking to him," stated Assistant Chief of Police and proud dad Alex Fagan Sr., "it was only logical to assume that he may have been reaching for a pack of cigarettes. The officer had no choice but to draw his weapon and fire."
Turkey Grows Some New Real Estate to the South
Two New Bits of Nation Just Appear out of Nowhere
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The surprise finding came just minutes after the Turkish parliament voted not to allow U.S. troops to stage an invasion of Iraq from their nation's soil.
Standing up to the world's most powerful country came as a significant blow to the Bush war machine, despite attempts by U.S. officials to downplay the importance of Turkey's decision.
The two spherical land masses were discovered in the deep south of the country, and seem to have dropped out of nowhere.
Scientists and cartographers around the world are baffled by the sudden appearance, but a team of excited biologists have already dispatched to study the area and are said to be having a ball.
Satellite photos show the climate in the vicinity of the two round land-orbs to be tropical and swampy, with much of the area being covered in dense grass.
“We are unsure where these two globes came from, they just seem to have grown out of nowhere,” said Turkey's new Prime Minister Abdullah Gul. “This is just nuts.”
Elusive "Bigfoot" Captured by Federal Agents
Weekly World News Leads CIA, FBI to Crucial Man-Beast Arrest
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Tracked and hunted for decades, the legendary ape-man "Bigfoot" was captured and sedated by federal agents on Sunday night just outside of Islamabad, Pakistan. The shaggy, disheveled animal is currently being held for questioning at an undisclosed location.
Once the CIA interrogation is complete, FBI agents will take over custody of Mr. Foot and attempt to obtain information that could lead to other coveted law enforcement targets.
Officials hope that the arrest of this unspeakably hairy creature could lead to the capture of such other international fugitives as the Loch Ness Monster, the Abominable Snowman, and the Tooth Fairy.
The White House quickly praised the arrest of this furry criminal as a decisive, disgusting victory for the war on terrorism.
“We are truly proud of our federal law enforcement agents for this important, disgusting arrest,” Press Secretary Ari Fleischer announced at a Monday press conference. “Bigfoot has been terrorizing Americans in the Pacific Northwest for decades—we cannot stress enough just how significant and fuzzy this suspect is.”
Spring Approaching, Arab Season to Open Soon
Hunting Licenses Flying off WalMart Shelves
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Over 150,000 have already been selected, and millions more stand by the phone daily hoping that the U.S. government will call them up to participate in what could potentially be one of the most successful Arab hunting seasons in recent history.
While Arab hunting is legal every year, American hunters have not experienced a fruitful season in nearly 12 years. Sportsmen have reportedly brought home a few hundred Arabs here and there, but the kills pale in comparison to the hundreds of thousands bagged in the great spring shoot of 1991.
Arabs are highly coveted game in the hunting world, and many participants sign up and practice for decades before they are actually called up to the big hunt.
Preparations are already being made, and the full-scale Arab Shoot 2003 will probably open sometime in March. Interested outdoorsmen are encouraged to call their local licensing office at 1-800-USA-ARMY.
N. Korea Levels U.S. with Massive Nuclear Attack
Bush Administration Still on Track for Invasion of Iraq
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The greater metropolitan areas of San Francisco, Los Angeles, Seattle, Chicago, Cleveland, Detroit, Minneapolis, Philadelphia, New York, Boston, Washington and Miami were all targeted in one fell swoop Saturday afternoon. Just before it was destroyed, the Pentagon estimated the loss of life at 275,000,000, approximately 98% of the nation's population.
Following the first attacks, President Bush took to the skies in Air Force One and managed to survive the nuclear holocaust. Bush called Kim Jong Il while in flight and expressed his disappointment with the atomic anihilation, but emphasized his continuing hope for a diplomatic solution.
Thankfully, (former) White House staff told members of the press that plans for war in Iraq will not be delayed by this diplomatic setback.
"This administration is dedicated to protecting the citizens of the United States, and will not allow Saddam Hussein to run rampant and unchecked," announced Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. "President Bush is currently in compromise talks with North Korea, and will not let the complete nuclear devastation of our nation to get in the way of the important job that he has to do in the Middle East."
As the remains of the United States cool, the area has already started to fill with sea water, creating a new area that cartographers have tentatively dubbed the "American Ocean". Though the classification is not official yet, President Bush has already vowed to boycott any treaties designed to protect the new sea from pollution.
U.S. Mourns Death of Seven, Prepares to Kill Millions
Despite Grief, Americans Remain Upbeat About Killing Iraqis
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One of the most unfortunate side-effects of this mourning is the delay to war preparations, perhaps costing the U.S. military tens of thousands of dead Iraqis that they would have otherwise killed.
Important civilian pre-war work like tax paying, flag ironing and CNN-watching-party planning have taken the biggest hit from this period of grief.
Pentagon officials fear that, without crisp flags and cheering citizens back home, American soldiers will only be motivated to kill a few thousand Iraqis per hour, much lower than White House demands.
Said one resident of Crawford, Texas, "Those poor astronauts died in vain. Maybe the sadness would have been offset a little if the shuttle had crashed into an Iraqi hospital or orphanage--at least they would have taken some ragheads with them. But this was just senseless."
"DuctTapeGate" Scandal Peels Wide Open
Tyco Subsidiary and Vice President Cheney Linked Financially
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U.S. Fire Administrator David Paulison read the list and explained that duct tape, along with plastic sheeting, could be used to seal off windows and doors in case of airborne chemical or biological attack.
Now, in a bizarre new twist on the Tyco accounting controversy, reporters has discovered that Vice President Dick Cheney sits on the board of directors of Nashua, the nation's leading manufacturer of duct tape. Mr. Cheney stands to make millions from this sudden boost in sales.
Additionally, just days after Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge announced the elevation of our nation's threat level, evidence has surfaced of Ridge's significant investments in orange futures. Secretary Ridge has declined to comment, calling the accusations "fucking retarded."
While sales of duct tape remain strong, economists believe that it will taper off in the long run as Americans slowly realize they are drooling sheep and shouldn't just run out and do everything their government tells them to.
White House Leaks Designs for Post-Invasion Iraq
Plans to Sell Inexpensive, Yet Stylish, Scandinavian Furniture
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Today, White House sources leaked several thousand pages of plans, bound in a convenient full-color catalogue, for what the Bush Administration has tentatively dubbed "Operation Desert Futon". The plan includes using much of the Arab nation's available land to build a mega store to sell surprisingly well made Swedish furniture at affordable prices.
By drafting a new Iraqi constitution, White House officials allegedly plan to change the nation's name to IQEA and build a monstrous entrance in Basrah, approximately 30 miles from the Kuwaiti border.
Shoppers from all over the world will be able to obtain small pencils and paper tape measures before entering the nation, and follow convenient arrows while shopping.
While U.S. officials have apparently not broken the news to Kurdish rebels yet, plans are also afoot to pave the mountains of northern IQEA. The land will then be used to build a parking garage where, while they shop, Westerners will have their embarrassingly huge SUVs filled with fresh oil, pumped directly out of the earth below them.
USPS To Release Gulf War Celebration Stamps
Millions in Military Funds to Come from New Postage Sales
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Now the United States Postal Service has announced that it is jumping into the fundraising ring in an effort to financially bolster the Bush administration's position. The USPS will be releasing four new Gulf War commemorative stamp series to raise funds for the US military.
Like those in the 1998 "Stamp out Breast Cancer" drive, the stamps will sell for three cents above the 37 cent First Class postage rate, with the excess funds going to help build actual bombs to drop on actual Iraqis.
The first of the series, the "Malformed Iraqi Baby" stamp, will celebrate the glorious success of the first Gulf War and is scheduled to be released in April 2003. It will eventually be flanked by three more commemorative postage units: "Burning Oil Fields," "Terrorism at Home," and "Hatred for America."
DirecTV to Offer Live Non-Stop War Entertainment
Pay-Per-View Package Promises more Death for the Dollar
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In the tradition of their highly successful NFL Sunday Ticket and NHL Center Ice sports packages, DirecTV is teaming up the U.S. Department of Defense and CNN, the world's number one news network, to bring subscribers ten new channels dedicated to live footage of the upcoming U.S./Iraq war.
Entitled Iraq AttackPak 2003™, the service will be available for only $139 for the entire 2003-2004 war season, and will guarantee viewers at least 1,200 live bombings per day. Early bird subscribers will also have access to two additional channels, dedicated to real-time footage of civilians frantically pulling their children from their vehicles as the bridges are bombed out from under them.
IraqPak subscribers will also receive the benefit of a 20% discount on gas from participating Chevron stations, just by presenting their AttackPak subscription cards at the pump.
"The discount represents an advance," explained G. Richard Wagoner, Jr., President and CEO of General Motors, DirecTV's parent company. "It's just a taste of the stupendous savings Americans expect to gain from invading Iraq and violently sucking dry every one of the impoverished nation's oil wells."
President Bush Threatens Saddam While Washing Kim Jong Il's Car
War Imminent, Just as Soon as He Finishes Mopping the Kitchen
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Bush has been in North Korea for nearly a week now, doing odd jobs for its weird, diminutive leader in exchange for the possibility a new nuclear proliferation treaty.
Last week, while polishing a number of Kim Jong Il's shoes, Bush proclaimed, "Saddam is an evil man, and he must be stopped. We will attack Iraq, and any rogue state that thinks it can build nuclear weapons. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to run another load of Kimmy's laundry."
Bush stressed that there is no need for any nation in the world to have nuclear weapons under any circumstances, unless they happen to be the United States, Britain, Russia, Israel, Pakistan, India, most of western Europe, North Korea, or half a dozen breakaway Soviet states.
In a related story, Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS) introduced new legislation this week declaring that only "white" nations may build and possess nuclear weapons. While few believe that Lott's legislation will pass congressional scrutiny, he has already agreed to compromise with a separate-but-equal nuclear program for colored countries.
Local Arab-American Too Busy for This Stupid Site
Opportunities to Update Gay Website Few and Far Between
Submitted by: Frank Enbeans, WackyIraqi.com Staff "Writer"
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Contributing to the growing trend of stupid, un-updated websites, Abdul sets a disappointing example for other local Iraqis with wacky websites.
Earlier today, Abdul released a statement to the press regarding the state of his website.
"F you. I've been busy and sick, okay?" explained the Iraqi with a penchant for wackiness, "I also had to pay some attention to my inter-religial relationship and go on post-Eid/Hannukah vacation with my high-maintenance JAP."
Local pinko Commie Jew, who has been trying to assume control of WackyIraqi.com for minutes, has publically declared that although initial inspections show very little suspicious activity, she will still push for regime change within the WackyIraqi.com administration.
When reached for comment, Jew replied simply,"Whatevah. I do what I want."