12.17.2003 (Wednesday)
Saddam Behind Bars: World Now Safe for All
Terrorism Gone, Everyone Totally Awesome to Each Other Now
TIKRIT, IRAQ (WI) — In a stunning victory for the Bush war machine, the Federal Bureau of Investigation released preliminary terrorism and violent crime figures for the brief period following the capture of Saddam Hussein on Saturday.
According to the report, terrorism around the world has dropped an astonishing 100% since the arrest of the 66 year-old burrowing semite.
Since the capture of Hussein, car and suicide bombings, hijackings, and assassination attempts have ceased all over the Middle East, and thousands of wanted terrorists have surrendered to authorities around the world.
Drops in pickpocketing, car theft and burglary have also been reported around the world, as well as a significant reduction in rudeness and uptightness and a 450% increase in smiles and rainbows.
While White House officials jumped at the opportunity to declare the world a "safer place" earlier this week, even they had no idea the benefits would go this far.
"This is just a triumph for human kind and for President Bush," exclaimed White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "He's been telling the world for months that Saddam needed to be stopped to make the world safe, and now is his time to say 'I told you so.'"
While scientists are at a loss to explain it, the capture of Hussein is thought to be the reason that the Potomac is now flowing with peppermint candies and why neighborhoods all over the country are inundated with cute, cuddly puppies and kittens.
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