HEMPHILL, TX (WI) — Almost two weeks after Columbia broke apart in Earth's upper atmosphere, Americans are still mourning the loss of the shuttle's seven astronauts. This staggering loss of life has rocked the American psyche deeply, and many cannot clear their mind of the terrible loss of innocent life.

One of the most unfortunate side-effects of this mourning is the delay to war preparations, perhaps costing the U.S. military tens of thousands of dead Iraqis that they would have otherwise killed.

Important civilian pre-war work like tax paying, flag ironing and CNN-watching-party planning have taken the biggest hit from this period of grief.

Pentagon officials fear that, without crisp flags and cheering citizens back home, American soldiers will only be motivated to kill a few thousand Iraqis per hour, much lower than White House demands.

Said one resident of Crawford, Texas, "Those poor astronauts died in vain. Maybe the sadness would have been offset a little if the shuttle had crashed into an Iraqi hospital or orphanage--at least they would have taken some ragheads with them. But this was just senseless."

WASHINGTON, DC (WI) — In the hours since the U.S. Department of Homeland security announced that duct tape was on its list of important antiterrorism materials, rolls of the gray adhesive stripping have flown off hardware store shelves.

U.S. Fire Administrator David Paulison read the list and explained that duct tape, along with plastic sheeting, could be used to seal off windows and doors in case of airborne chemical or biological attack.

Now, in a bizarre new twist on the Tyco accounting controversy, reporters has discovered that Vice President Dick Cheney sits on the board of directors of Nashua, the nation's leading manufacturer of duct tape. Mr. Cheney stands to make millions from this sudden boost in sales.

Additionally, just days after Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge announced the elevation of our nation's threat level, evidence has surfaced of Ridge's significant investments in orange futures. Secretary Ridge has declined to comment, calling the accusations "fucking retarded."

While sales of duct tape remain strong, economists believe that it will taper off in the long run as Americans slowly realize they are drooling sheep and shouldn't just run out and do everything their government tells them to.

BÄKDÄTT, IQEA (WI) — As U.S. troops continue to build up in the Middle East in preparation for an invasion of Iraq, questions weigh heavy on the President's shoulders as to the fate of Iraq once it is liberated from the clutches of dictator Saddam Hussein.

Today, White House sources leaked several thousand pages of plans, bound in a convenient full-color catalogue, for what the Bush Administration has tentatively dubbed "Operation Desert Futon". The plan includes using much of the Arab nation's available land to build a mega store to sell surprisingly well made Swedish furniture at affordable prices.

By drafting a new Iraqi constitution, White House officials allegedly plan to change the nation's name to IQEA and build a monstrous entrance in Basrah, approximately 30 miles from the Kuwaiti border.

Shoppers from all over the world will be able to obtain small pencils and paper tape measures before entering the nation, and follow convenient arrows while shopping.

While U.S. officials have apparently not broken the news to Kurdish rebels yet, plans are also afoot to pave the mountains of northern IQEA. The land will then be used to build a parking garage where, while they shop, Westerners will have their embarrassingly huge SUVs filled with fresh oil, pumped directly out of the earth below them.

WASHINGTON, DC (WI) — For months, experts and laypersons alike have been wondering where the money for an invasion of Iraq will come from. To date, most theories have focused on Iraqi oil to ultimately pay for the invasion, but many world leaders have balked at the idea of the US taking oil that does not belong to it.

Now the United States Postal Service has announced that it is jumping into the fundraising ring in an effort to financially bolster the Bush administration's position. The USPS will be releasing four new Gulf War commemorative stamp series to raise funds for the US military.

Like those in the 1998 "Stamp out Breast Cancer" drive, the stamps will sell for three cents above the 37 cent First Class postage rate, with the excess funds going to help build actual bombs to drop on actual Iraqis.

The first of the series, the "Malformed Iraqi Baby" stamp, will celebrate the glorious success of the first Gulf War and is scheduled to be released in April 2003. It will eventually be flanked by three more commemorative postage units: "Burning Oil Fields," "Terrorism at Home," and "Hatred for America."

EL SEGUNDO, CA (WI) — True sports fans looking for more action and excitement have a new source, thanks to satellite television provider DirecTV.

In the tradition of their highly successful NFL Sunday Ticket and NHL Center Ice sports packages, DirecTV is teaming up the U.S. Department of Defense and CNN, the world's number one news network, to bring subscribers ten new channels dedicated to live footage of the upcoming U.S./Iraq war.

Entitled Iraq AttackPak 2003™, the service will be available for only $139 for the entire 2003-2004 war season, and will guarantee viewers at least 1,200 live bombings per day. Early bird subscribers will also have access to two additional channels, dedicated to real-time footage of civilians frantically pulling their children from their vehicles as the bridges are bombed out from under them.

IraqPak subscribers will also receive the benefit of a 20% discount on gas from participating Chevron stations, just by presenting their AttackPak subscription cards at the pump.

"The discount represents an advance," explained G. Richard Wagoner, Jr., President and CEO of General Motors, DirecTV's parent company. "It's just a taste of the stupendous savings Americans expect to gain from invading Iraq and violently sucking dry every one of the impoverished nation's oil wells."

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PYONGYANG, DPRK (WI) — Seeming to almost lose his temper yesterday, U.S. President George W. Bush lashed out at Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, warning that Iraq would face war just as soon as he completes a few more chores around Korean dictator Kim Jong Il's house.

Bush has been in North Korea for nearly a week now, doing odd jobs for its weird, diminutive leader in exchange for the possibility a new nuclear proliferation treaty.

Last week, while polishing a number of Kim Jong Il's shoes, Bush proclaimed, "Saddam is an evil man, and he must be stopped. We will attack Iraq, and any rogue state that thinks it can build nuclear weapons. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to run another load of Kimmy's laundry."

Bush stressed that there is no need for any nation in the world to have nuclear weapons under any circumstances, unless they happen to be the United States, Britain, Russia, Israel, Pakistan, India, most of western Europe, North Korea, or half a dozen breakaway Soviet states.

In a related story, Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS) introduced new legislation this week declaring that only "white" nations may build and possess nuclear weapons. While few believe that Lott's legislation will pass congressional scrutiny, he has already agreed to compromise with a separate-but-equal nuclear program for colored countries.

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SAN JOSE, CA (WI) — Following a stellar record of meeting deadlines with clever, yet retarded pieces, local Iraqi Johnny Abdul has let his website lapse. Abdul, who happens to be wacky, is most notably the head writer and editor-in-chief of the wacky Iraqi website, WackyIraqi.com.

Contributing to the growing trend of stupid, un-updated websites, Abdul sets a disappointing example for other local Iraqis with wacky websites.

Earlier today, Abdul released a statement to the press regarding the state of his website.

"F you. I've been busy and sick, okay?" explained the Iraqi with a penchant for wackiness, "I also had to pay some attention to my inter-religial relationship and go on post-Eid/Hannukah vacation with my high-maintenance JAP."

Local pinko Commie Jew, who has been trying to assume control of WackyIraqi.com for minutes, has publically declared that although initial inspections show very little suspicious activity, she will still push for regime change within the WackyIraqi.com administration.

When reached for comment, Jew replied simply,"Whatevah. I do what I want."

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