Another White House Leader Announces Resignation
Bush to Leave Bush White House Just Before Serving Second Term
By Johnny Abdul, Executive Editor and HNIC
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Citing personal reasons for the exit, Bush made the announcement from the White House Rose Garden with his wife Laura by his side.
"It was not an easy decision, but a man has to keep his priorities straight. This move gives me more time to spend on my ranch in Crawford [Texas]," Bush explained. "No one can run an organization of that magnitude on just eight months a year. During those four months that I'm stuck in Washington, the ranch just falls to pieces."
Following the official beginning of his second term, on January 21st, Bush will vacate the White House and leave the country in the hands of Vice President Dick Cheney, who will lead the Bush Administration and the nation from an undisclosed location for the next four years.
Before closing the press conference, Bush thanked the American people for re-electing him, and asked them to understand his reasons for leaving prior to completing his second term.
"It just wouldn't be fair to continue doing my job long-distance. I have commitments and responsibilities and, let's face it, they're too important for me to be just an observer from 1500 miles away. I need to be in the thick of things, and be available to make extremely important decisions on a moment's notice. There's just no way around it--I need to be at the ranch full time."
CSI Spinoffs Spin Off Into CSI Spinoff Spinoffs
80% of All Television Programming Now CSI-Related
By Abdul Mubdee, Entertainment Franchise Correspondent
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Some of the exclusive shows featured on CSI:N include: CSI:N News, a daily report of what happened in the real world while you were busy watching CSI; CSI:Jr., from the creators of Blues Clues, a 30-minute animated series where children investigate bloody crimes committed by other children; CSI:Survivor, a reality game show pitting contestants' forensic wits on a deserted Polynesian island; and CSI:NFL, a weekly show devoted to crime scene investigations involving NFL players.
CSI:N will also have hours each night devoted to bargain-filled paid advertising including those for "cleaning" services, very sharp knives, and male-enhancement products.
Fans will also continue to enjoy the staple one-hour, dual-investigator format show based in every city on the planet, including high-crime cities like: CSI:Albuquerque, CSI:Beijing, CSI:Fallujah, CSI:Oslo, and CSI:Harper Valley.
Nightowls can look forward to CSI:Gone Wild, where stoic investigators comb college retreats for forensic evidence leading to criminals they can show their tits to.
Not to be outdone, NBC says it's creating a new network based on its neverending hospital drama ER. The lineup has yet to be announced, though sources have already revealed plans for spinoff ERMSNBC Medical News and ERESPN Medical Sports networks.
A WACKYIRAQI.COM FUTURE-PREDICTION EXCLUSIVE:
White Christian Male to Win US Presidency in November
Team of World's Top Psychics Labors to Predict Winner
By Johnny Abdul, Executive Editor and HNIC
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One of the most polarized elections in recent history, the race continues to stump most conventional polling agencies. Some show incumbents George Bush and Dick Cheney ahead by two or three points, while still more predict that Senator John Kerry (D-MA) and his running mate, Senator John Edwards (D-NC), are eking out a three to four percent advantage.
But one group not wavering is a team of psychic experts commissioned to predict the election with the help of their astute supernatural powers. Confident in his group's prediction, a spokesperson for the group announced the winners this morning.
"After months of intense research, my team of prognosticators and I can guarantee that the next President of the United States will be a white, heterosexual, Christian male," announced John Edward (no relation), host of SciFi Channel's Crossing Over. "This November, the American people will choose a man born into great wealth to lead them—a man with many years of experience working in politics, and virtually no experience working a crap job for a crap wage, like most of his constituents."
"And to confirm my colleagues' prediction," Edward continued, "I've meticulously contacted each and every deceased former president to ask their opinions. Those former gentlemen, who also happened to be white, Christian, straight and wealthy, have confirmed that our 44th president will indeed be exactly like presidents 1 through 43."
The prediction has a margin of error of plus or minus zero percent. When asked why they felt so sure that their prediction would come true, Edward simply stated, "We're psychic...we know these things. Call it a gift"
Heads Up: Decap-a-lons Coming to Olympics
Atheletes Move Ahead In New Competition
By Abdul Mubdee, WackyIraqi.com Head Correspondant
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"It is the foundation of the Olympics to promote cross-national competition," says Jacques Rogge, IOC President. "This event, which has taken the Arab world by storm, captures that in the spirit of friendship, solidarity and fair play."
Known as the "Decap-a-lon", each event will feature athletes displaying their noggin-launching prowess before an international panel of hooded judges. In 72 hours, athletes must remove the crania from six multi-national "hostages" and dangle them menacingly for everyone to see.
Overall Decapalon scores will be based on such criteria as technical merit, artistic interpretation and enthusiasm, while individual events within the Decapalon, such as the head-put, will be based primarily on distance and form.
"Of course, I am practicing the technical skills: smooth cuts, single-hack decaps, getting the blood to squirt just right, and such," says Olympic hopeful Ahmed bin Ahmed. "But this event is about showmanship. If you can get the crowd in your favor with charisma and style, you're going to be heads above the competition."
Favored to win this year are master hackers from the Middle East, though no one is sure exactly where they're from.
"Low ratings in the Muslim countries have hurt the Olympics," says Rogge. "In order to head in the right direction, the IOC found that we need a new plan we can execute to get those people's attention."
Scientists Invent Car that Runs on Soldiers' Blood
Pentagon Increases Troop Presence in Iraq by 400 Percent
By Johnny Abdul, Executive Editor and HNIC
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According to Pentagon sources, the engine has been tested extensively over the past year, and officials will publicly lift the curtain off the top secret project early next week.
"With this advancement, the United States can finally loosen OPEC's grip on our economy," exclaimed one of the government-contracted physicist, speaking on the condition of anonymity. "We can tell those greasy, brown sand-monkeys to shove their oil from now on."
Along with the new engine unveiling, the Pentagon is expected to announce a four-fold increase in the American troop presence in Iraq. The soldiers will be transported to the battlefield in KC-135 tanker aircraft, which will then be filled with the blood of their fallen brethren and flown back to the United States to power our SUVs.
Most of the new soldiers will be deployed with even less adequate equipment than those already in the ground in Iraq, to ensure prompt conversion into Bloodoline™.
While White House officials have thus far refused interviews on the topic, one prominent State Governor secretly expressed elation at the new plan.
"Thees eez fantastic," the anonymous legislator exclaimed. "I cannot wait to have my Hummah converted to theees new blaad engine. Thees is dah coolest theeng seence Zyklon-B."
FCC Releases SmutBlocker™ for Internet Explorer
Blocks Ob5cenities, Preserves Puritan American Culture
By Abdul Mubdee, WackyIr4qi.com N1pple Correspondent at L4rge
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Relying on technology similar to email "spam" blockers, SmutBlocker 2.0 provides intelligent recognition of ob5cene content as determined by three wise Christians, also know as FCC commissioners. Text, graphics, MP3s and virtually anything traveling over the Internet are cencored and replaced with more positive, wholesome messages.
For example, "I want your b1g, f4t c0ck," is replaced by "Your mother loved Jesus and so you should too." Likewise, "R4lph N4der is da b0mb," is replaced by "Repent, or burn for eternity in a lake of fire, you son of a bitch."
SmutBlocker runs on all versions of Microsoft Internet Explorer and will be automatically installed on systems running IE as part of Microsoft's "Security Updates." The Redmond, Washington company agreed to providing SmutBlocker as part of it's work-release program.
"Technology made all this possible," explained Powell. "We feel free speech should not be about 5ex, drug5, and th0ught5, but about the unalienable right to dodge difficult questions and lie when you don't have an easy, simple sound-bite answer."
When asked, the FCC Chairman explained that there are no plans to add filtering for ultra-violent content such as the bloody carnage featured in "The Passion of the Christ™". Sighs of relief filled the room.
Added Gibson, "Aw… a wise guy, huh? Nyuck nyuck nyuck."
US Soldiers Teach Filthy Sandniggers a Good Lesson
Army Privates Spend Some Quality Time with Iraqi Privates
By WackyIraqi.com Executive Editor and HNIC, Johnny Abdul
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In the ongoing battle for stability in Iraq, a handful of brave soldiers have finally taken the initiative necessary to quell the violence and bring about an era of lasting trust, peace and democracy in the entire region.
Tired of coddling their filthy raghead prisoners with "respect" or "professionalism" or "the tiniest shred of human decency that most people are just born with", valiant soldiers like Spc. Jeremy Sivits, SSgt. Ivan Frederick and Pfc. Lynndie England heroically took the initiative to strip their detainees down and torture them for a series of very sexy photographs and videos.
Many Americans have expressed shock and outrage over the acts of abuse but a recent CNN poll shows that as many as 20% of Americans are bothered "not much" or "not at all" by the behavior. The numbers indicate a growing demand for more reality-based Tortutainment™—photos and video segments depicting cruel and sadistic treatment of prisoners—as long as it is done tastefully with genitals blurred out so that children can enjoy them too.
The White House was quick to denounce the acts at first, but as opinion polls continue to change, officials are beginning to take credit for the actions of their underlings.
"The idea wasn't completely theirs," explained Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld in a Wednesday press conference. "We had originally ordered them to douse the prisoners in gasoline and threaten to set them on fire, but gasoline has just gotten too expensive."
Rumsfeld Struggles With Love Letter to Wife
Can't decide if his heart is tortured or merely abused
By WackyIraqi.com Legal Semantics Correspondent John Wilson
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"I've tried over and over to write a card for [Joyce] that says how much I love her, but every time I write something it isn't technically right," said the disheveled cabinet member. "Look at this draft: 'Joyce, my heart for you is tortured. Well, not really tortured I'm not a lawyer, but my impression is that technically my heart is abused.' It just doesn't flow right."
Rumsfeld's other drafts left him less pleased. Picking up a wadded paper off the floor, he read, "'Joyce, my love sings the body electric; The armies that I love surround me and I surround them; They will not let me off till I leave them be, to ransack them, And discharge them, and charge them with wires in their genitals.' I mean- what in the wild wild world of Whitman was I thinking on that one?"
Some of Rumsfeld¹s other failed drafts include allusions to his love being jumbled "like a heap of naked POWs on a bare prison floor" and "your eyes pierce my soul like a stick piercing the clenched anus of a hooded, handcuffed detainee."
The President was not immediately available for comment on the discovery, but White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan did release a brief statement.
Rumsfeld said he hopes his original love letter will top last year's Mother's Day trip to T.G.I. Friday's and the e-card he sent, neither of which "went over so well."
Secret Labs Discovered Hidden All Over Iraq
Bush Administration Shows Off Shocking Scientific Evidence
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This week the Department of Justice, led by US Attorney General John Ashcroft, fervently defended the Bush position by unveiling startling evidence of the kind of scientific work going on in Iraq just before the US invasion.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have indeed found what we were looking for," a jubilant Ashcroft announced at a Friday press conference. "From papers and books collected from secret labs uncovered all over Iraq, we now have ample proof that Saddam Hussein was teaching evolution to young Iraqi students."
"This discovery is just the tip of the iceberg," Ashcroft went on to explain. "We believe that Iraqi scientists were on the verge of creating an entirely secular curriculum for Iraqi public schools."
The President was not immediately available for comment on the discovery, but White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan did release a brief statement.
"Because this Administration had the strength and courage to depose Saddam Hussein and his evil regime, the Iraqi people will never again be subject to such barbarism as public schools without God."