Violence in Iraq Comes to Abrupt Halt
Last of Insurgents, Soldiers, Civilians, Everyone in Iraq now Free, Dead
By Johnny Abdul, Executive Editor and HNIC
|
The suicide bomber was shot multiple times in the chest as he detonated the homemade explosives strapped to his body, killing himself, interim Iraqi president Ayad Allawi, ten US Army personnel, fifteen European contractors, and forty-five Iraqi civilians in the process, including twenty children.
The attack / explosion / counterattack / bombing killed off the last few humans still alive in Iraq, leaving the nation in peace for the first time in decades. U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld immediately hailed the event as a victory for the Coalition.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we have achieved victory. The last of the insurgents is dead—as promised, Al Qaeda fighters and Saddam Loyalists have been soundly defeated in Iraq. The Iraqi people can finally live in peace, or at least rest in peace.” Rumsfeld boasted. “Parents of the American troops killed in the conflict: you can rest assured that your children did not die in vain, they fought hard to free the Iraqi people now proudly buried all over their newly democratic nation.”
Rumsfeld denied any plans to send additional troops to the region, explaining that the zero troops on the ground were adequate to keep the nation of zero citizens secure from now on.
“A few civilian contractors will be needed to sweep up the last of the body parts and to make sure the oil keeps pumping,” he explained, “but no more soldiers will be deployed. We'll need them healthy for next year's liberation of Iran.”
Despite the lack of breathing Iraqi voters, elections are still on schedule to be held January 30th. A tight race is expected between the top two candidates: a depleted uranium-mutated cockroach and oil-covered camel.